Sunday, February 12, 2012

A Valentine's Day Gift

My husband reminded me this morning that I need to write a newsletter.  I knew that he was right but it takes some level of energy and creativity and silence to go inside oneself and pull something out that might be meaningful.  In light of the fact that I have been experiencing a lot of physical pain lately along with fatigue, I feel less than inspiring.

So here I am, at my computer waiting to see what bubbles up.  As I write I hear my dog scratching on the carpet and feel a throbbing pain in my foot.  My other dog is neurotically licking on her foot while my husband is completely plugged in.  His iPad never leaves his hands, his cell phone is resting on his knee and he is watching basketball on TV.  Prior to starting this writing I checked in with my husband, Rich, to ascertain his thoughts about celebrating our anniversary on March 15th.  I think he was annoyed that I interrupted his game, tweets and face booking extravaganza.  But, if we are going to go out of town I needed to reflect this on my calendar and possibly reschedule some appointments.  He seemed far more committed to hosting a Mexican Train Game Night with friends on our anniversary weekend than planning a get away.  I wanted to feel a bit hurt and discounted but, the truth is, I am too tired and achey to care and planning an outing does sound like a lot of extra effort and expense.

Valentines Day is approaching and I am not feeling the love.  I just feel tired and achey.  Now don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and family dearly but that feeling of love escapes me at present.  But as I told someone in counseling this week, loving, whether it is another or oneself is a choice.  Where do I come up with this stuff?  At times like the present, when I am feeling whiney, my own words come back to haunt me.  I realize that I have to take responsibility and some time to reflect.  So it seems the person I most need to love right now is me.  Okay, so what does that mean and what do I need?  Here is what I’ve generated:

  • I need to make an appointment with my doctor ASAP. 
  • I need to forgive myself for not being who I think I should be.
  • I need to remind myself that there is no failure and that most of what I worry about is rather trivial in the big scheme of things.
  • I need to find joy in every small success and every gift of love.
  • I need to remind myself that all I need to be is me.
  • I need to keep going and forgive myself when I don’t.  It is those small micro movements that make a difference.
  • I need to make more time to write.
  • I need to not allow myself to carry the burdens of my clients.
  • I need to remember that everyday is a celebration when you have the opportunity to be around that special someone you love.
  • I need to embrace my weaknesses for they are also my strengths.

Wow, I feel better.  So, how do you most need to love yourself at present?  Remember, the greatest gift you can give your child and family is the ability to truly find joy and love oneself.  Doing some self-reflection might be the greatest Valentine’s Day gift you can give.

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